Who's Down With OPP?

What it do? I'm not working at a desk at the moment and my hours have gotten bananas (though my check is still peanuts, go figure), so it's a little hard for me to get to y'all. I have tried blogging from my supercool new Blackberry Curve (you see me!), but alas, I am too stupid. And lately, it feels like my body is awake, but my brain is sleep. Gargamel! I'm always on the Twitter though, so holler at a player when you see me in the Tweets: twitter.com/sistertoldja.

Oh, and it's Black Weblog Awards season again! Help me get a threepeat or else I might quit blogging, real talk in the Best Personal Blog category and/or win some new shit!



Now, let's get down to buisniness. I overheard some White woman talking today about her work in the music industry with R&B artists. As she had a group of young Black men rapt about all she has accomplished and all who she has worked with, I have decided it is time we stopped letting White folks have all the fun. It is time for me to get paid by appropriating someone else's culture! Dammit! And while I know that NO OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE has ever left the gate open and set out a plate of cookies for cultural pillagers like Black folks have (or rather, no other group has felt that they could only thrive with the help/approval of White folks, like Black folks have or rather, no other group has needed the affirmation of White folks like Black folks have, whatever), I think if I take some notes from popular culture, I could be the next big thing at something I had nothing to do with creating.
1)Take, Take, Take. Contribute Little.

Were there any laws regarding cultural ownership, Gwen Stefani's ass would be locked under the jail for the rest of her natural life. She's managed to pull a full time jack move on cholas, Rastas, hood sistas AND Japanese girls. Whereas Madonna has completed more swag swipes and managed to (usually) be more kitchy about it, Gwen seems to be convinced she really belongs to whatever her flavor of the month culture is. She even managed to turn four Japanese mega stars into her own little travelling minsrel show! However, Stefani isn't really bringing much to the table at all, musically or otherwise. Everything she is is pfilfered, but she makes it seem cool (I guess) because she's so natural doing it. The same thing goes for business owners. Don't worry about joinging any neighborhood councils or actually contributing to the area you serve. Just stack that cheese and let them people worry about themselves. Wanna make soul food with no connection to the folks who created it? Sure! No need to add to the design of the cuisene, just cook that shit and keep it moving.

2) Respect? Why Bother?


Justin Timberlake was allowed to leave Janet Jackson (JANET JACKSON!) out to dry after "Nipplegate 2004" AND come on stage at the Golden Globes walking on his knees mocking Prince's height. PRINCE! Never mind that the boy was given easy acess to the R&B kingdom and had his solo career nurtured by some of the biggest producers in the game, dude felt no qualms about disrespecting Black legends from whom he has borrowed so much. And why should he? Hasn't stopped him from selling a record, has it? And it hasn't made Black folks feel any less compelled to work with him either.

When it comes to small businesses, you can follow people around your store, talk greasy about them in your native tounges, check bags and do whatever you like! Who cares? If you have a service folks can't get easily or cheaply elsewhere, you are in there like swimwear.

3)Keep It Real...At Home

The cool thing about culural appropriation for professional gain is that when you go to bed at the end of the night, you can leave it all behind. Look at Fergie, Gwen AND Justin Timberlake: just as "soulful" and "Hip-Hop" as you can get on stage. But in their personal lives, they are partnered with three of entertainment's Whitest White folks. Gavin Rossedale ain't nobody's Rasta man, I tell you what. Not that I would ever advocate choosing your mate based on brand credibility. I'm just noting these choices as a reminder that these folks have embraced "ethnic" cultures for the stage, nothing more. When they go home, they eat Oscar Meyer bacon and green bean cassarole. Same for a lot of the folks who serve the hood. They deal with you fools from 9-9, pack up the whip and drive the Hell away to the safety of their own neighborhoods, with no friends or neighbors who look anything like the people they make their ends from.

That said, all that's left for me to do now is choose which group I'm gonna steal from. I've narrowed it down to three choices:

1) American Jewish Comedians

This may be a good look, as I don't sing and dance and Jewish Americans aren't known for that anyway. Remember the episode of Seinfield when the Gentile guy was accused of converting to Judaism "for the jokes"? I might take that route myself. However, given that the Jewishness of someone with a Gentile mother is questioned, I am not sure how a Black girl such as myself would fare as a new Jew. I'm thinking it will be awkward at the temple, not so good at Hillel and I doubt they'll let me be a Jewish cultural phenomenon. However, I do have some GREAT tips on haircare for Afros that some of my new Jewish comedian bredren could certainly use. L'chaim!

2)Asian Buisness Owners

Practically every Black neighborhood in America is bursting at the seams with Asian owned businesses- corner stores, beauty supply stores, nail shops and dry cleaners in particular. Now, though I have mixed emotions about this, I DO patronize some of these places (but only the ones that I feel treat their customers with respect and yes, I do make an effort to support Black buisnesses before others when I can). It's time for a little reciprocity. I think I should move to a Korean, Chinese or Indian neighborhood and open up my own stuff. I am thinking a Korean bistro or a gas station or maybe a waxing place. I will price out everyone in the neighborhood, speak in impossible to decipher Ebonics to my coworkers about the customers and place security mirrors all over the store.

3)Boring Ass "Regular" White America

I'd really like to go 'Hit Em Up Style' on good old "regular" Americans, just to do it. But if they had anything worth taking, they wouldn't take so much, would they? Dammit. What does middle America have? Hockey moms? Nascar? Racism? Wal-Mart? Corn? CORN! I am gonna start a cornfield in Brooklyn! Take that, take that!

PS-It's all fun and jokes, kids. Don't get all Tresevanty on me today, k?