There's No Thinking About Anything Else Right Now, So Quit Deluding Yourself

And if you thought the BET Awards was gonna provide some sort of closure, well then maybe you should stop thinking all together and go take a nap.

As you can see, I took the pilgrimage up to Harlem's Apollo Theatre this weekend to pay my respects to dear Michael as best as I could.


I like how the sun hit the flowers in this picture. I couldn't get close enough to show how much stuff there was out there! And there was an "Off The Wall" tribute, where fans could sign their condolences. There were THOUSANDS of messages. I went late Saturday afternoon and about 200 people were out there singing:


I was only able to stay out there a couple minutes, I got pretty emotional. My eyes welled up and I wanted to cry, but I went by myself and decided to just keep it moving. When they got to "Ben", a song that makes me cry on a regular day, I left. Some people handle death well, some don't. I've never felt so emotional about a celebrity's passing. That could be due to the fact that no other artist who I felt so strongly about has left us yet. The only others who could bring me to that level...I don't even want to speak it in to existence. *Shudders* I'll just say both of them are closely associated with Michael and you will literally have to come pick my ass up off the ground if one of them passes before age 70.

How did you all feel this weekend? Michael barely left my thoughts except when I got kicked out the club for something I didn't do, don't even get me started, ugh. I heard his music everywhere I went, from the dollar store to the club to just walking down the street. And since I love his music so much and hate what I usually hear in those places, I almost felt happy. Michael was in my life space so much, it was almost exciting. There was an eerie feeling that something was gonna happen or that he was going to emerge and react to all of this. I know it sounds weird, but I am alone here? It just felt like this was the anticipation of him doing something, not him being funeralized. If love could raise someone from the great beyond, then MJ would have tapped Jamie Foxx on the shoulder last night and said "Thank you, I got it from here."

I went to one MJ tribute party and it took me a minute to actually enjoy myself. I kept thinking "We are here because Michael Jackson is dead." A friend gave me a little pep talk and reminded me that Michael is finally at peace and that we should be glad for that. And I loosened up, but there is still some pain and even denial on my part. Janet Jackson's brief apperance on the BET Awards really took me over the edge. I look at how I'm feeling and I'm just a fan. I can't even imagine the family's pain right now.

I should be able to though, I lost an uncle last week. Somewhat guiltily, I'll admit the obvious: his death didn't touch me nearly as much as that of a man I never met. We just didn't have much of a relationship, which is the case with most of my mother's side of the family. I hurt mostly for my mother's pain and since there was so little of my own, I was able to support her without falling apart. He was a good man, my uncle. He called me "Cabbage Patch" when I was a kid and it got shortened to "Cabbage". It didn't tickle me at the time, but I have to laugh now thinking about a 5-year-old being called "Cabbage". He also made me some great fried chicken once and I put ketchup on it, because kids are disgusting that way. Good times.

MJ's death has brought people together in a way I have only seen once before: the Obama election. It's amazing how people are grieving and celebrating Michael's life together and how social networks like Twitter and Facebook have facilitated that on a whole new level. How do we channel all this collectivism in to something good? What can we do with all this feeling that we're feeling? I've been "living Off The Wall" for almost 25 years, that's definitely a recommendation. What else? My heart hurts.