Terribly Tuesday

Six days of consecutive drinking/partying/bar hopping/funky weather have me looking every sort of crazy today. My purse is at war with my earrings and my dress and I don't have a justification for wearing red ballet flats, they are just here. Help me, help me. Please.

The other day, I looked at this old picture of myself on Facebook. It's from 2005:


I deleted and untagged many of my worst "Before" photos and seeing this one horrified me. It horrified me to the point where I have to post a picture of me to counteract it:

And I STILL feel the need to point out that this pic is from January, that I've lost a couple of pounds since then and that I am a bit more toned.



Why I didn't just remove the old picture from Facebook when I rediscovered it, I'm not sure. But I commented on there "FAT! OMG!". As FB users know, when someone comments on a picture that you have commented on previously, you receive a notification. So the six friends who wrote nice things on this pic four years ago were informed of my new comment. I then received the following message from a dear friend. It really made me think about some things and I thought it was worth sharing:

Dearest Toldja,

Did you know...
1) that you are gorgeous?
2) that this is not the first time you've been gorgeous?
3) that when you were heavier, you had some of the same assets you have now: killer legs, the kinda cleavage that babies and bald men dream about, a beautiful face?
4) that when you have all the babies you want to have, you may get bigger again for a short while, but it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing?
5) that you have larger friends and readers who may be struggling to like their bodies?

I know...
1) that you feel more positive about your body now and that your fitness concerns were also about health, not just size
2) that I have no more right to tell you how to feel about your weight than you have to tell me how to feel about being my body issues
3) that you are responsible to your feelings first and friends' second, and I respect that about you.
4) that your weight loss over the years is a great achievement; it wasn't easy and it is a really positive, proactive response to your growing awareness of health.
6) that you can fit more clothes, but you've always had great style and dressed sexy.
I hope...
1) that this doesn't sound pretentious.
2) that you know this comes out of love- for now Toldja, then Toldja, and one day Toldja, and Toldja's daughters, readers and friends.
3) you keep reaching your fitness goals.
4) that other people are telling you this, especially people that are sensitive to the human spirit
5) that you don't hate me now.

Love you much!!!

I have been worrying for a while that I was becoming a "fat shamer" and completely obsessed with weight (mine most especially). My weight has been the single most defining challenge and issue of my life to date. I have always been obsessed with it, but it is only recently that I took any positive steps to changing it with any success.

To answer my friend's first questions...I think I am an attractive woman. Actually, I know that I am. Is gorgeous the word I would use for myself? Not really. I have my ego tripping days, but there are days when I look at myself and I feel like I look like a man. I also think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So what I think about how I look matters a hell of a lot to me, but not so much to anyone else. Now, how I project my feelings about my looks me affect how other folks see me, but that's a long conversation in another direction.

I have never wanted to make anyone who reads this blog or calls me a friend/sister/comrade feel bad about their weight in talking about my personal struggle. This is simply who I am at this point in my life. I hate how I looked in the past and I will never deny that. In fact, the only way I would conceivably go back and say 237 pound Toldja wasn't so bad after all is if I was to become 337 pound Toldja or somehow become disabled (God forbid and God forbid). But even though my words appear on an internet site that I maintain, my feelings about my body are not to be interpreted as social commentary.

...except that they are, aren't they? Well, when I talk about being fat then or feeling fat now, I am not intending to cast judgement on anyone but Sister Toldja. As I said, this has been the fight of my life. For most of my days, I have hated the way that I look. It is only in this past year that I have started truly feeling good about my body and I am still not 100% there yet, in terms of self-acceptance. And who's to say I ever will be? I am still an American woman, still subject to the beauty and fashion industry's decision to declare 99% of the female population less than beautiful.

I admire body positive women like Mo'Nique and Beth Ditto, even though it is hard for me to sometimes see past the potential health risks associated with their sizes. I admire any woman who feels good about who she is in spite of any messages she receives to the contrary. And I especially admire women who have recognized things they didn't like about themselves and took a positive, healthy approach to improving them. I hope that despite my obvious flaws that I can serve as such a role model to other women. I do know that some of the women in my life have been making amazing strides to do as I have and take control over their weight and I know that is the case for some of the readers of this blog as well.

The battle is not won for me yet. I'm still chasing these last few pounds and dress sizes off of me. But I want you, dear friend and dear readers, to know that I DO recognize how far I have come and that I AM very proud of myself. After years of crash diets, pills, binging and purging, binging and NOT purging and just ignoring my health all together, I can say that eat well and exercise damn near every day of the week. That's whats up! That's dope! I'm the bess, I deeeed it. But I still have a gut, a flat ass and breasts that get on my last nerve. I still obsess over other women's bodies and bemoan my inadequacies-perceived or real.

Like most folks, I don't judge other women's bodies by the same standards I have for my own. I can name a number of women who are much larger than I (or very slender without curves) who I find to be enviably gorgeous. But when it comes to myself, there are some very specific physical ideals that I am going to push myself to reach. And I don't think it's a bad thing, per say. I don't hate how I look and I don't feel bad about myself most days. I realize that there is work to be done and I will continue to do it. And I'll love myself in the meantime.

I did remove my comment from that picture and I will try my best to refrain from doing things that will make other folks feel bad or insecure about themselves. However, I don't think I'll soon be able to look at all the pictures of myself from "before" and feel anything other than repugnance. I'll maintain that extra weight doesn't look good on me like it does on some women and I won't be able to look past all of the painful memories that were shaped by my appearance. I won't soon forget being too fat to find many dates in high school and college (whether it was the weight itself, the resulting lack of self-confidence from the issues with the weight or a combination of all the both that made me undesirable). And this is why I will remain vigilant to keep losing weight, especially given that I have not had a child yet and will of course have to gain weight during pregnancy.

Fat shaming has worked for me. Shaming my own fat, not anyone else's, that is. By being horrified at my past weight, I've been able to get further and further away from it. If I accept old Fat Toldja, I feel like I am leaving the door open for her to come back. By putting my efforts in a public space, I have created an important sense of accountability. I hope that it has not been at the expense of others. I'm not a Christian, but there is a phrase I've heard that resounds with me: "We all fall short of the glory". And I hope that my falling short hasn't caused anyone any undue pain.

Best,
Sister Toldja