Chasing "The Cool"

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I have heard young "good" Black men complain on many occasions about the number of sisters who pass over them because they aren't "roughnecks". These are usually the nice guys who have a much kinder, gentler appeal than your local street toughs. Not soft brothers, necessarily, but not hard ones either. After hearing a few anecdotes to this effect on the blogosphere lately, I wanted to offer a few points of clarification that may help these gentlemen understand what's not working for them and why.

It is a misconception that all or most Black women are in search of thugs or men with "thug appeal". A friend of mine complained once that he thought all college educated Black women were looking for "brolic thug doctors". That made me laugh, but it wasn’t quite close and there shan't be a cigar. Granted, there is a contingent of women ISO the elusive....or non-existent "educated thug", but those women are in the minority, trust.

There IS something, however, that many Black women are looking for in potential suitors (especially when they are meeting them in a club or bar) and that is what is commonly referred to as swagger. I personally like to call it the cool. You see, coolness is important to Negroes. We are the universally acknowledged purveyors of cool. There is not as much pressure on Black women to have the cool, but there is far more pressure for us to be beautiful (something we have but so much control over), be in shape (we have lots of control over this, though it’s not easy for some) and to have big asses and attractive-if-not-large breasts (we can only control this with silicone. Gross).

Ebony last month did a tribute to the "25 Coolest Brothers Of All Time". They were from varying time periods, some were conventionally handsome, others not so much. But they all have that Black man swagger. That natural ease and confidence.

Say you have a handsome, statuesque fella* of impressive educational and/or professional accomplishments. This dude has an outstanding personality, a crazy sense of humor and a great spirit. However, those character traits just may not shine through in 45 seconds of conversation in a noisy room. Especially if the man in question doesn't have the cool

You can be charming and funny without it, but ultimately, swagger is what most Black women are gonna be initially drawn in by. Especially if you are trying to mack down a woman who has been approached by 10 other men in the past hour. That swagger is what will put you ahead of the other potential suitors. It gives a woman that feeling that even though he is pushing up on you, you still feel like you have to work to be chosen...and it makes you want to do just that.

Sad fact: light skinned men have a natural disadvantage, because our community equates darker skin with authentic Blackness. As swagger is associated with Blackness, lighter men are perceived to be corny by some sisters who need do the knowledge. Light Black women have the same problem when it comes to being checked for authenticity, but it manifests in different ways. I always liked light-complexioned men (I mean, have you SEEN my father?), but a lot of sisters don’t. There loss is my gain (Send me your tired, your weary, your Craig Davids, your Al. B Sure!s and I will gladly clutch them to my bosom and love them tenderly.)

I’m not wholly defending the sisters, but I will say this: I know a lot of the men making these complaints are probably trying to get at the 2 or 3 "baddest" chicks in the club. The same girls who every other man is gonna try to holler at. Now, you can step it up and try re-hone your macking skills, or you can perhaps looks at some of the other girls who are pretty, but may get passed over when the pre-crazy Lauryn Hill or post-video vixen days Lauren London lookalike enters the room.

It’s sucks but most people are frightened by what they need and controlled by what they want. I’m sure I’d be frustrated if I were in these brothers' shoes, knowing that I am a good man and that sisters are constantly bemoaning the lack of good men, yet sleeping on one. But just remember that people see the packaging before they see the package. I'm from the school of "I'm dope and if you're dope, you'll see it", but I also know when it's time to go back to the drawing board and make a few slight edits for clarity, dig me?

Black women are worth the effort. Trust me.

But sisters, I got some words for y'all too. Long overdue ones. Stay tuned!

Holla back, but listen first!
Sister Toldja