Did I mention how much ten days offa work made me realize how absolutely positively 100% over this job I am? Just checking.
Don't tell nobody, but I'm on Block Watch. And I can't hardly wait.
Did you know you are supposed to drink 1 ounce of water per body weight per day? I am giving it a shot, starting right this minute tommorrow morning. I guess me and the bathroom are gonna be intimate friends. Which is not really news, as I go in there excessively anyway to see if my stomach is flatter, are my breasts really shrinking, are the ends of my hair still purple, etc. This is what they pay me the small bucks for, baby.
I've wanted to talk about something of substance, something weighty. But I can't focus. I don't know if it's all the Crystal Light, but I just don't have my head on straight this week. But for my three Black male readers, I have a question. Y'all know I love y'all, right?
Now don't y'all laugh, this is me being serious! No sarcasm or nothing. I love y'all more than y'all love $200 sneakers, Jay-Z, Hennessey and Latina women y'all will ever know or even truly understand. And thus, I want to cater to you. So I need you to help me help you. You can do so by answering the following questions:
What do you, as Black men, need or want from Black women that you are not getting?
Do you feel that we, as Black women, are holding up our end of the bargain in terms of male/female interactions and relationships? Or are we leaving much to be desired?
How can we make this better?
Now, I am going to go faint from all the smart comments I held inside whilst typing that. Meanwhile, I need ya'll to step up today and tell me SOMETHING! I am calling you out, Handsome Succeeder! I know you are reading this!
Do it to it,
Sister Toldja
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Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Black Man, What Can I Do For You?
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13 props:
It's simple.
1) Smile more when you see us. It makes our day and you'll feel better.
2) Stop sweating brothers who are in interracial relationships/marriages/booty calls. Statistically, 93% of black men who marry will marry black women (US Govt). Trust and know that you will find somebody. Interracial relationships are no more a deliberate insult to you than couples are a deliberate insult to single people. Besides, resentment is not sexy.
3)Men are simple creatures...feed us, f**k us and be our friend.
4)If a brother approaches you and you're not feeling him, dont give him your number. Don't waste our time. We're big boys. We know that we are taking a risk. If he can't take no for an answer, it's his problem. And...
5) approach men you are feeling. "Hi, how are you, I noticed that you(fill in the blank)." That way, you will have more options and you take the pressure off. I know how to initiate, but sometimes it's easier to not be the one who has to.
It's good that you are willing to become the change you want to see between black men and women. Keep it up.
I can in no way speak for all men but I will speak for myself. I've come to the realization that men of my stature (educated, employed {legally}, no children and out of his mothers house seems to be a bit of a rare breed. Well at least this is what I've heard from many of my female friends and some that I have dated. With that being said, I somewhat understand your behavior when you come across one of us but that doesn't mean it's beneficial to you or the man you are dating. That behavior is to quickly jump from just being friends/dating to I want to marry this man because you don't know if or when you'll find another like him. All I want is for you to take your time. If you find a good man and you are a good woman just take your time. He's probably not going anywhere. Because when you start doing too much too soon it turns me away. And remember just because someone is good doesn't mean they are good for you.
co-sign. works for me.
guess i really am a simple creature.
I'll give you the same advice I gave my good friend and that is...don't be afraid to wait alone.
The man that you ladies seek is out there. He really is but, he's not going to approach you when you have the wrong man on your arm all the time.
Generally, this wrong brotha is there because you ladies don't necessarily feel comfortable exploring life singly (at least after a certain age), or because you're giving in to peer pressure, or you just need some loving, or it's nice to have a man around to change the oil, or you he will change. Ladies, he's not gonna change.
When a man proves he's less than worthy of you (whether it's the initial meeting or six months down the road) it's ok to say, "no thanks but I'm waiting on someone." He doesn't have to know that you haven't even met the someone yet!
dag sho...i'm def using that line from now on! lol
i was co-signing on anonymous' comment by the way... (although i only partially cosign on number 2 cause i understand and share, in reverse of course, sisters' annoyance at interracial relationships and marriage -- although booty calls are a different creature and can be excused lol)
it might be obvious but we might want to add: look good, look/be healthy and act like you love yourself, but not just yourself.
honestly, what everyone else besides anonymous said don't make much sense to me. they sound like some 40 year old virgin responses.
stick with anonymous' comment as your guidelines sisters. it's a nice concise grown man response. and his categorizations are on point...
1) we (as do you) want the other sex to be free, confident and secure in their interaction with us (i.e. Smile more when you see us.) in one word: be open. open to whatever might happen -- maybe friendship, maybe nothing at all, maybe a great love affair.
2) i already addressed number 2.
3) food, f**kin and loyalty/friendship are definitely what i crave at 24 years of age. in fact if you're bad, i'd rather we do food and friendship first, get them juices goin. lol
4) and the last one is good. just be as clear as you can with me while being respectful and kind. let me know if you aint feelin me. i'll amend that one, only to say don't shut me down completely otherwise i'll feel like you're too stuck up to appreciate my humanity (if the brother is exhibiting it). if my approach was at least respectful, and after you've been clear and kind about not being attracted to me, can i get a few minutes of your time still to see if we have anything in common on the friendship or community level. if u act like you don't have 60 seconds to spare (in a social environment) i'm disgusted. (i understand some brothers are foolishly persistent in these circumstances sometimes [im usually under persistent] -- that's just the burden of looking good sisters, own it, and just be persistent and kind with your rejection)... i understand if you don't have time to spare on the street. although, i'm probably not approaching you on the street randomly anyway.
5) the last one is golden... i can tell when a woman is actually waiting for/expecting prince charming and that shit is dead. keep in mind, being open to prince charming and waiting for/expecting him are too different things. the latter gives off an air of entitlement. ima need you to know that life itself is blessing enough, everything else is icing on the cake... those who act entitled to more then the air they breathe turn me off, so there's no way i'm even bothering with you if i sense that.
1). Penis. Just kidding...well, not totally.
2). I love my sistafriends and for the most part they do complete me and help me appreciate myself and my life experience.
3). It's already as good as it gets for me. I just wished my gurls knew how great powerful beautiful intelligent and precious they are with or without a man...but I am kinda flyy.
I may not have helped you too much...but I still love you, boo;)
Before I begin…black woman you are perfection with legs and a smile. You are intelligence with a double dose of attitude. You are beautiful and I love you.
What we need.
-Refer to #3 from anonymous.
-Understand that a relationship must be about us. Not you. Not me. Us.
What we want.
-Sex without begging, pleading, etc. Oh and to possibly do it with you and your cute friend just once. (I know, people in hell want ice water.)
-To just be. Sometimes happiness is where you stand and not down the street. So sorry I don't want to be your husband, not yet, otherwise I would've already proposed. So be easy on that pressure.
How you messed up
-By watching too much Cinderella as girl and too much Sex and the City as a young woman. Life is not a fairytale. Nor is it a tyler perry movie.
-By never understanding the power of the P. There is nothing more powerful in this world. Understand that and you will possess the key to world denomination. Or at least relationship denomination. So stop letting dudes treat you like shit. Yes I said letting.
-By lying to us. The educated black man that will treat you as an equal is your number 2 choice. You really want a "balla" who can bedazzle you in jewels and champagne. And black women have proven this to be true time and again. It’s cool.
How you can rectify the situation?
-Be real. Ask yourself, “is it the wedding I want or the lifelong partnership?” And answer sincerely. If not the latter, just get a bunch of your friends together and throw yourself a dope ass party. It can’t be too much different.
-Be real. If you are a pseudo gold-digger don't waste your time with regular broke brothas such as myself who are just trying to make ends meet. Because we will only become even more broke just trying to be with you, just for you to never be pleased with what we can do for you.
-Be real. A man who will sit day after day and listen to the excruciatingly specific details of your life is great clue he cares a lot about you. So stop questioning his loyalty.
-Be real. You know how ya’ll don’t want us to do stuff for you, rather you want us to want to do stuff for you. Well we want you to want to give us head. And if not at least act as if you do.
-Be real. Just by virtue of being a woman does not equate to being good in bed. Work on that shit.
-Just be real and everything will take care of itself.
KEEPER OF THE CULTURE SAYS:
There are plenty of marvelous black women, with the sort of attributes Angelou and Morrison write poems about. Unfortunately, too many of them carry emotional baggage from the past, and don't seek help. Instead, they dump it on the first black man who shows them the love and respect they crave. Then they blame black men for avoiding monogomous relationships with black women. So much for marvelous.
That said, here's my list of what more of our flowers can do to ease the tension a little:
*I'm sorry you've been victimized. I'm here to respect, love, nurture, understand and partner with you. I'll help heal you. Please don't stereotype black men as macho, self-serving womanizers, or you'll never recognize Mr. Right.
*Quit blaming black men for all the problems in black america when you know our forebearers were brought here by the same enemy in the nauseous belly of the same ship, and as a people we've caught hell ever since.
*Quit blaming promiscuity on us. Are we screwing cupie dolls, or are some of y'all dropping it like it's hot? Adults are responsible for their own actions, and at this point ain't nothin' new under the sun.
*Some of you are deliberately seeking ("I'm sick of waiting; I don't need a man to raise a child")to raise children out of wedlock. Get counseling.
*You aren't sure whether he's down-low? Just ask him: "where does homosexuality fit in our relationship?" If EITHER of you struggle with how to respond, somebody needs to step aside.
As a People, we've been in shellshock since the days of slavery. We all need counseling and support groups, so as men and women we can stand firm shoulder to shoulder, and rebuild our culture together.
Thanks Jamilah. You are very talented, and yours will be an increasingly sought-after voice.
Wow, these comments were really interesting... I especially loved anonymous ( the first one) and Bob the Builder. Good things for me to think about!
@bob
"is it the wedding I want or the lifelong partnership?”
word to that and pretty much everything else u said under how to rectify.
I know I don't qualify to answer this question but I must say
"By watching too much Cinderella as girl and too much Sex and the City as a young woman. Life is not a fairytale. Nor is it a tyler perry movie."
Word, sir. Word.
I personally think you need to start by removing all of your preconceived notions from your conscious(ness). Then, treat every man as a different man - *until he proves otherwise*.
The other issue is that our society is fucked up that we begin to mimic the stereotypical behaviors that we are taught (via TV). What that leads to is a total indictment of all black men by women as yourself and a total indictment of women by men (not like myself). Obviously these stereotypes mixed with the irresponsible behaviors and a pinch of preconceived notions leads to overall FRUSTRATION.
Obviously you are there at this point.
My take on it is you need to step out of your bounds a bit and try other types of men out (other than the b-boy, (outwardly) conscious, dreadlocked incense sellers - you may be surprised at what you find.
The funny thing is once you get that man that you want - and actually get into a long-term relationship, we'll start seeing the tones of your post change as you'll start complaining about said man. And before anyone says then he isn't the perfect man - THERE IS NO SUCH THING. Just like there is no such thing as the perfect woman.
...and I know this is a bit off-topic, but I definitely feel you on the interacial couples thing - when I see a black man with a white woman, I just shake my head. BUT - when I see a black woman with a white man, I get HURT, OFFENDED, UPSET, DISGUSTED, DEPRESSED and everything else.
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