I Know Who Killed R&B

As much as people love to quote Nas on the "Hip-Hop is dead" tip, I would argue that R&B is, well, deader. And while New Jack Swing may be the best sub-genre in the history of musical sub-genres, I do have to say that the marriage of Hip-Hop and R&B certainly helped to cause the latter's demise.

However, I think there is a powerful force of evil in the music industry today who has made it his cause to ensure that R&B music is completely obliterated as we know it. This man, simply by existing, has insulted all that is talent, songwriting and soul. This man is the equivalent of an "anti-drug" for sex. He may also be the first succesful cross between man and wilderbeast.

I think you all know who I am talking about:

T-Pain: human kryptonite to quality music and female arousal.

First of all, what the devil is that machine he sings in to, and WHY? It's one thing to "enhance" your voice with a little Pro-Tools magic (What up Janet? I see you Ciara!). It's another thing to use studio effects take someone who is a horrid singer and make them.....sorta almost kinda passable (Pon de replay, Rihanna! Yo' Britt, stop making babies!) But to make yourself sound like a flippin'
weird computer is, well, flippin' weird. And then this clown has the nerve to get other people on board (Snoop, Chris "My boyfriend" Brown).

Half his lyrics are just gibberish and sounds. This dude is like an R&B Teletubby. There isn't a grade of weed in the world strong enough to make me understand him and there isn't a tranquilizer strong enough to make me want to try. I caught that "Kiss, Kiss" song on the radio the other day and I liked to have died. Yes, I liked to have died.

Here is my theory. T-Pain is on some Clarence Thomas/Uncle Ruckus sell-out shit. He's been paid by some big money White folks who want to take over R&B music. So here he comes completely taking all the Soul out of the music and turning it in to some bullshit. Meanwhile, Amy Winehouse and Robin Thicke are looking like Donnie Hathaway and Roberta Flack by comparison. In a few years, an incense waving, dreadlocked blonde from Omaha named Becky Wiegel is gonna be the new "high priestess of Soul" and poor India.Arie will be selling roses on the side of the highway. OR, perhaps R&B in all of it's shapes and forms will die because of this madness!

Now, I realize that by telling you this, I put my life in danger. T-Pain looks like he can chew through human flesh. But I love music too much to see this man ruin it. He must be stopped at any cost! If anyone has a stake or a silver bullet, holler at your girl.