Ikea: My Vietnam

Why is it that no other company has tried to rival Ikea? Why is this abhorrent Swedish meatball of Hell the only mega-retailer of cheap D.I.Y. furniture in the whole 'effin world? Why must I continue to go there when I hate, hate, hate it???

Now, some of y'all are probably offended by my stance, as Ikea lovers tend to rival European Michael Jackson fans in enthusiasm. Before you get your Skaaagenflagen curtains in a bunch, please understand that I, too am a loyal Ikea customer. But that's only because there's no competiton! If there was a better retailer of cheap furniture of marginal quality, I bet you'd join me there in a heartbeat.

The Top Five Reasons I Hate Ikea:

5) It's Too Damn Big.


There is no reason for anyplace in the world, short of an airport or college campus, to be that large. It's overwhelming. Every section manages to look exactly the same, though the products may be totally different. There aren't enough signs, arrows, guide dogs in the world to make Ikea easy to navigate, and I get lost each and every time I go. For hours.

4)Those Stupid Product Names.


As a reader pointed out last week, some of the Ikea items have common names like "Billy" and "Skimmer" (if "Billy" is a normal name for a flippin' bookshelf), others have crazy sounding titles like "Lycksele", "Bujursta" and "Jakkmaak". Are these Swedish words? 'Cause they sound like gibberish to me. And if they are Swedish, given that the rest of the labels and signs are in English, would it have been too hard to give the products English names? Or, as I would prefer, eschew the names and make it easier for us by labeling things in ways that help us, i.e. "Medium Dining Table with 4 Chairs: Dark Brown"? How the Hell do I look asking for the "Iskesele" chair? I can't even pronounce it and it makes me feel like a dumb American tourist.....but I'm IN AMERICA!!!

3) That Craptastic Restauraunt!


Now, if the furniture is cheap as dirt, why would I expect good food? Well, when you have been lost in a furniture store for 40 days and 40 nights, you get hungry. In fact, the only reason they have that crummy cafe is to save them from liability in the instance that someone dies of starvation while trying to navigate the city of Ikea. That said, the food needs to be a lot better. Back when I was an Ikea newbie, I made the mistake of sitting down to a slice of veggie quiche and some sort of apple dessert. Within minutes of eating, I was nauseous. Thank God I didn't get the shrimp salad, which seems to be shrimp piled on top of mayonnaise and lettuce.

Quiche may be a bit too fancy for Ikea to master (though it's stupid easy to make). And nobody wants that freaky Swedish shit they sell. While a few people may get off on eating "authentic" Swedish cuisine in a Swedish store, the majority of us would rather have a (veggie) burger and fries. Maybe a nice bagel and coffee. Even better, they could partner with Subway or Starbucks.

And, if you haven't already, NEVER taste that lingonberry mess that comes out of the soda fountain. I got a very stern look from an employee for spitting it straight back out. It tasted how I would imagine a cat blood and grape juice cocktail would.

3)They Sell A Lot of Stupid Shit..... Speaking of that wack-ass food, why does Ikea think we need to take some home? Look at this foolishness:



Kottbullar: what an appetizing name. I know I'm a freaky-weird quasi-vegetarian¹ and all, but do you meat-eaters usually purchase meatballs when you do your houseware shopping? If so, you people are taking this multi-tasking thing way too far.

Yummy! Two brands of tasty, creamy, ingredients-unknown meatball sauce! One in Swedish and one in English!

Glogg?² That sounds like something an fairy-tale ogre would drink. No thanks, I'll stick to this swill.

2)....But Are Missing Some Needed Items. Ikea sells framed prints, pet beds, Christmas ornaments and Glogg.....so why don't they have tablecloths? This store is the size of 100 Targets, and yet they manage to have ONE effin' Christmas printed tablecloth. They have centerpieces, cloth napkins, plates....TABLES......why no extensive selection of tablecloths?

Meeting at Ikea corporate offices:

Chief Financial Officer: Fluggen flaagen neber noggin clothinaagen Grogg.
(Translation: We have over-extended our purchasing budget for the fiscal year; we have to choose between tablecloths and Grogg.)

Mr. Ikea: Billy gaagen a lisksis baaben Grogg. Meebi catblood naab bombdeed up Ikea.
(Translation: You silly man! How dare you waste my time with this meeting. The obvious choice is the Grogg. I will fire you if you show such inability to think constructively again. Now, go fetch me some of that delicious lingonberry juice before you end up working the cash register at the Iraq store.)

And, finally:
1) There Are No Employees.³

In a store the size of two football stadiums, there seem to be only 10 workers on the floor at any given time. And most of them are either busy helping people or busy ignoring you. I'm not gonna lie, that store is so big, I'd probably curl up under an ugly rug and nap much of my shifts away if I worked there. But I know there are some people in the world who enjoy customer service; why can't Ikea find them? I suspect that many of those people wearing the yellow shirts are actually customers who have been roaming the massive store for so long, they were forced to purchase new clothes. In fact, the real employees are probably wearing street clothes and walk-around confused as to why no one seems to need help.

Today's Ikea trip was hellish as usual. I walked around for so long looking for those non-existent tablecloths, I was on the verge of tears. I even broke out in to a few hives, a reaction to frustration I haven't had since I was a little girl. And one of the Ikea workers looked down my shirt. Didn't ask me if I needed anything, just took him a little look into Pleasure Island without my permission. I didn't even have on a particularly revealing top!

But I'm not even gonna lie, I'd have flashed him if he coulda helped me carry my purchases. Why does Ikea think that a dining table and four chairs can fit in to one box? What about people like me who like to shop alone? Would an extra box or two have cost the company that much money? A nice gentleman helped me get the box in to my cart, so I had no idea just how heavy it was until I got it outside. It took me five minutes to get that thing in my car, at which point I decided I would assemble the set outside in order to avoid trying to get the box in my apartment. I psyched myself up to do it the whole way home, but the cold temperature changed my mind. Eight more minutes of my life were lost to getting the box inside.

Oh, and as I was leaving the maze they call a parking lot, I ended up in front of the Holiday Inn. Why the devil is there a Holiday Inn in the Ikea parking lot? Do hotel-goers find the room furniture so tacky that they run to Ikea to purchase something better? Or do Ikea-goers need to stop and rest after such a treacherous journey?

Dear Mr. Ikea:

Glibbin glaagen jaasjkmash isks billy rusks!
(Translation: Screw your store, dude! I hate you and your stupid-assed food and your worthless employees! Die, you fiend, die! How dare you rob me of so many hours of my precious life? Die, die, die!)

And your little Glogg too,
Sister Toldja


¹-I can't quite kick the fish and shrimps!
²- It's actually a spiced wine; the Ikea version is non-alcoholic, rendering it even more useless.
³- What's wrong with this picture? I'll help you out: "We are.....simple"?